Brain Dead Serious

Let me Just Say that, in My Humble Opinion, You Should Die in a Fire Alone and Unloved

dieinafire

Look. This discussion is obviously getting heated and emotions are running high, which is pretty understandable given the weight of the discourse and the various political /ethical /economic /spiritual /sexual implications of our opinions, but I would just like to state before things really get out of hand and we hop onto an even more complicated topic, that, in my humble opinion, you should die in a fire alone and unloved.

I mean, you are obviously a very well-read individual with some enviable knowledge of the relevant themes and facts around this particularly contentious issue before us, and by simple reasoning it’s not hard to realize that you deserve to live like other people many of whom aren’t even as knowledgeable and clever as you are, but I hope I don’t sound too arrogant or dismissive when I tell you that you being burnt to a crisp like a piece of meat that fell into a pit of fiery coals would make me supremely satisfied, indeed.

If it still sounds kind of rude, please don’t take it personally. It’s really just my honest, unbridled opinion on the matter. I assure you I do not harbor any other ill will for you aside from the fact that I wished your eyeballs were evaporating right in front of me at this very moment. Bubbles of sizzling fat popping on your face. Boiling blood frothing from your mouth and gushing out of your ears. Tongues of angry, red flames dancing all over your melting skin dripping onto the singed floor. These images in my mind are absolutely objective and I can assure you that I’m not hiding behind any agenda when I express categorically that I wished you were in a fatal smoldering situation right now.

And please also allow me to qualify that you should not only pass away horribly in a fire, but you should also be alone and unloved as this transpires.

For your information and the viewers reading my two cents on the subject, I would like to make it crystal clear that “alone and unloved” means you should perish without any real friends to comfort you or family to bid you farewell. Not even a pet. Ideally, you should have been in this extreme isolated condition for a prolonged period of time; and in fact were this fire to fail to ignite, you would still have taken your own life by some other means anyhow like drowning in a sea full of jellyfish or by a more classic method such as bathtub electrocution. I understand that these are all fair ways to cause one’s own demise but personally, I insist on my preference of you expiring in an inextinguisable inferno whilst you tear the night apart with your horrid screams of anguish.

Now that this little wishful thinking of mine is out of the way, please do go on with what you’re saying.

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8 thoughts on “Let me Just Say that, in My Humble Opinion, You Should Die in a Fire Alone and Unloved

  1. When Stories Attack says:

    I’m glad you’re approaching this so level-headed, a lot of people in these types of situations find themselves overreacting.

    Like

    • Thank you. The Internet is already a vicious place. The last thing we want is people offending other people with poorly thought out words. I’d like to help move things in the proper direction.

      Like

  2. I’d like to respond to this with an unforgettably clever remark, but I don’t have one, so I’ll just mark it 12 out of 10, ask you if you’ll be so kind as to write a letter to my neighbour on my behalf, and add a smiley face 🙂

    Like

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