Artful Obfuscation Vol. 1

And now for a round of artful obfuscation where we render normal sentences and phrases completely unintelligible and therefore unmistakeably deep by replacing the final word or phrase with something random the reader does not expect. For clarity of the current venture, we will put the last term in bold and all caps.

Let us begin:

Your face is bright as the morning BIRD PLUMAGE.

And when I looked into her eyes, I knew that I have fallen in love with CHIAROSCURO.

Woke up this morning with a sense of THE THIRD REICH.

He couldn’t tell what she was thinking because she’s a MISSED TRAIN STOP.

There’s nothing here for us because we’re KIDS EATING WORMS IN THE PLAYGROUND.

I thought I had it but the world isn’t MOTHER’S HORRIBLY BLAND CHICKEN SOUP.

You and I both know it’s either here or THE OILY KEYS ON A LAPTOP.

I swear I won’t talk about love but it’s A LAB FULL OF DEAD RATS CRAWLING.

Wine, cheese, and MECHANICAL APOCALYPSE DOLLS

How could I resist when she’s sitting there A RIPPED PAGE OF AN OLD CATALOG FOR FAKE JEWELRY?

Winking, smiling, at my STOLEN EGYPTIAN SARCOPHAGUS

They’ll try to catch us from now until PAUL MCCARTNEY PUTS ON HIS SUNDAY TROUSERS.

He’d like a slice of pizza. She’d like a TISSUE WITH EMILY’S NUMBER ON IT.

It’s great to live but it’s better to PLUCK OUT A GIANT TADPOLE’S EYE.

And that’s it for this round of artful obfuscation. ‘Til next time, EXPIRED CANS OF MUSHROOMS!

Discourse Analysis

The art of conversation is the discipline of discussing things other than the matter at hand that begs to be discussed. Nobody should ever mention or even hint at the stinky elephant in the room unless it’s a matter of life and death at the heels of that elephant. It’s just propriety and respect towards the other person who rightly expects your darndest to beat around the bush and essentially obfuscate any information that points to the T word.

So. If I like to talk about how your presence makes me feel real uncomfortable, I’ll probably just kick off a conversation about today’s traffic. Or if you’re the kind of person who I honestly can’t connect with on any genuine level, I think I’ll just have a little chat about your job.

When I’m thinking your mole is sucking in the entire universe, prepare to hear something about the cloudy weather.

And if one of these days, I get truly tempted to say you actually post the same angle of your face too much on Facebook, anticipate a tangential topic along the lines of–Have you seen that funny video of a sombrero-wearing cat riding a bicycle?

Your boyfriend reminds me of a rotating spit of kebab–Where’s the best place to eat Persian?