Brain Dead Serious

Scientists Reveal Human Beings Evolving into “Self-Righteous, Book-reading Capybaras”

capybara

An artist’s depiction of the future human-capybara descendant.

ZURICH – In a stunning conference today in front of the international press, evolutionary biologists from the University of Zurich reported that their studies reveal humans are evolving into none other than self-righteous, book-reading capybaras.

“We all know human beings came from prehistoric apes, and these prehistoric apes in turn came from primitive unicellular aquatic organisms. As our 8-year research into the trend of human evolution concludes, we are confidently predicting that humans will eventually evolve into self-righteous, book-reading capybaras,” the team’s head scientist Dr. Florian Bircher said.

Dr. Bircher was quick to follow up his statement when a panicked buzz began to sweep the packed room in the Zurich Marriott Hotel.

“Settle down. Settle down. I know you were expecting people to evolve into big-headed bug-eyed, grey aliens or into something like the Kardashians, but there’s absolutely no scientific evidence that supports such belief. In any case, people are too fat and lazy to evolve into something beautiful,” he added.

Capybaras, the team of scientists explained, are amazingly like human beings. These giant rodents are extremely sociable with one male usually mating with two females (yes, like a lot of men you know). Semi-aquatic, they spend lots of time in the water but they can also run really fast on the ground much like your coworker who regularly shifts between jogging and swimming in his hopelessly predictable life.

“But the most striking similarity is that capybaras never stop eating plants because they’re hardcore herbivores. As more and more people lose their ability to eat meat without imagining the animal on the plate as their pet, you can see how vegetarianism and veganism will eventually lead to an all-grass, all-bark, all-day capybara diet,” Dr. Bircher said.

capybara 2

The future human-capybara race will be pansexual and in fact will “hump anything that moves,” according to scientists.

The big difference between capybaras in the wild today and these future human-capybara hybrids is that the latter will be very self-righteous. And they’ll read books.

“In all my years of debating with people as an evolutionary biologist with the highest academic honors, I still haven’t met one person who admitted they were wrong. In fact, the homeless guy I had an argument yesterday about basketball pretty much said I’m a moron and I should just kill myself because I don’t know shit about what I was talking about. Furthermore, all my friends think they’re better than me. This unique trait will definitely be passed down to our giant rodent descendants whom we project would rather commit suicide than admit someone else is right.”

“Plus they’ll read books, I should add. They wouldn’t want to be caught without a book in their webbed hands. It’s just going to be a sign of high capybara culture or something like that.”

“But in the end, they’re still rodents. So they’ll breed like rabits and live like rats, thereby pushing our kind to extinction. Oh, and by the way, they’ll be pansexual–actually, they’ll hump anything that moves.”

Dr. Bircher and his team’s study can be read in this month’s Journal of Evolutionary Biology.

 

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Brain Dead Serious

I Don’t Agree with Same-Sex Marriage Because of The Little Prince, Page 14, Paragraph 2

I really don’t agree with same-sex marriage because it is clearly written in The Little Prince, Page 14, Paragraph 2:

“When you’ve finished your own toilet in the morning, then it is time to attend to the toilet of your planet, just so, with the greatest care. You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rosebushes which they resemble so closely in their earliest youth. It is very tedious work.”

There is no denying the clarity of Saint-Exupérian text on this subject. Baobabs may look like rosebushes but baobabs are bad.

Furthermore, on Page 20, Paragraph 5:

“There are no tigers on my planet,” the little prince objected. “And, anyway, tigers do not eat weeds.”

The Little Prince elaborates on this matter of consequence on Page 32, Paragraph 11:

“If I owned a silk scarf,” he said, “I could put it around my neck and take it away with me. If I owned a flower, I could pluck that flower and take it away with me. But you cannot pluck the stars from heaven . . .”

You CANNOT pluck the stars from heaven! You cannot pluck the stars from heaven, my brothers! And even if you could, what good will that do if you have giant baobabs in your pathetic little planet with three volcanoes, one of which is extinct (but one never knows)? But fear not! Even with all these baobabs growing unchecked all over your planet, it is not impossible to chase the sunshine! Page 34, Paragraph 10:

“Your planet is so small that three strides will take you all the way around it. To be always in the sunshine, you need only walk along rather slowly. When you want to rest, you will walk–and the day will last as long as you like.”

See? As mere mortals, we are understandably limited in our understanding of this subject just like the poor lamplighter! And I fear that because of this hideous ruling, we have been judged unworthy just as explicitly written in the word of the Prince Page 43, Paragraph 9:

“What a queer planet!” he thought. “It is altogether dry, and altogether pointed, and altogether harsh and forbidding. And the people have no imagination. They repeat whatever one says to them . . . On my planet I had a flower; she always was the first to speak . . .”

The temptation to err in our ways in these trying times is not lost on me. When all our friends have put colorful rainbow filters over their profile pictures, remember that our will is being tested by Saint-Exupéry in the most mysterious of ways. But as good Little Princians, we must be steadfast in our belief.

Let me end with the secret knowledge of the fox, everyone of us knows by heart. The untamed fox says in Page 46, Paragraph 2:

“Men,” said the fox. “They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests.”

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